I have good reasons on why I don’t love you, anymore. How can you take care of me if you can’t take care of yourself?

My weekend was indescribably fun.

I still can’t believe how close I am to finally graduating. I remember thinking, when I was a little girl, that I could never possibly make it this far. It looked like it was impossible back then. Weird how time flies. Memories from being so small, careless, and ignorant.. Just wow. It’s kind of scary growing up. I can’t wait for the big responsibilities, but I will miss being with my family every day or even being yelled at just because I didn’t wash a certain dish right. No matter how bad things have been in my childhood/teen years.. There is no place like home. And it feels amazing to see how proud my parents are of me since I have made it this far and will continue on with college. I don’t know where I’d be without them and their support. I am lucky and so, so grateful.

“He is thinking about asymmetry. This is a world, he is thinking, where you can lie in bed, listening to a song as you dream about someone you love, and your feelings and the music will resonate so powerfully and completely that it seems impossible that the beloved, whoever and wherever he or she might be, should not know, should not pick up this signal as it pulsates from your heart, as if you and the music and the love and the whole universe have merged into one force that can be chanelled out into the darkness to bring them this message. But, in actuality, not only will he or she not know, there is nothing to stop that other person from lying on his or her bed at the exact moment listening to the exact same song and thinking about someone else entirely-from aiming those identical feelings in some completely opposite direction, at some totally other person, who may in turn be lying in the dark thinking of another person still, a fourth, who is thinking of a fifth, and so on, and so on, so that rather than a universe of neatly reciprocating pairs, love and love-returned fluttering through space nicely and symmetrically like so many pairs of butterfly wings, instead we get chains of yearning, which sprawl and meander and culminate in an infinite number of dead ends.”

These advertising, staff photos or what the hell ever is not my doing. This is really annoying. I don’t know how to make it stop. Great.

“I will talk to him in school. I do not know how I will manage that but I have to be brave. Ugh I really like this boy but I am always so shy, because he is always with his friends and I only have the chance to talk to him alone after ethic classes. The disadvantage on parties is just that I am always so drunk that I can not think of other stuff than school, when I talk to him. And he is drunk too. It is kind of senseless since I almost forgot everything we talked about. In the break in school we look at each other but I do not want to stare at him all the time because I would feel like a total creep. He seems nice but I just think too much about what his friends would say even though there is also always this girl around him, they might only be friends but it is just better to talk to him by ourselves. I want to be brave. Normally I am not shy at all, but in this kind situations with boys I like, I am. Jesus just make him talk to me, just once and I will lose all my stoppages.”

I haven’t felt this down in a long time. Not going to sleep happy.

Day 2, Eating Healthy: I have a good feeling about turning my habits around to what is good for my body. Went to the store and bought a good variety of things. I am constantly drinking water and doing my best to stay away from soda. So far so good. I hope this lasts, I already feel more lively than usual. Now, time to do my daily work out.